I'm really speechless this time. Not because that I'm short of words but is that I'm tired of saying it again, and again.
I really don't know what to do. I feel like holding a small flowers, plucking one petal at a time to choose what I'm suppose to do!
You know what I feel like now? Now this feeling I'm seriously speechless, in a sense that I'm short of words.
It's like frustration, comtemptuous, but at the same time, sad, disappointed and confused.
Frustrated because you still don't understand how I feel,
Comtemptuous because you broke another promise,
Sad because I trusted you and you just threw away that promise
,
Disappointed because after you apologized about the promise, you still tried playing games on me! Saying about what things I can't do during an outing with my fellow friends but you still could do.You really still think that I would 'kao' when I've already trusted in our promise? Do you know how awful I feel?Who are you?Someone precious to me wouldn't play games with me especially when you just broke your promise.
I'm so confused because of you.
And you know what's the worse thing? I tried calling you to sought things out and you dare to hang up on me. You're a shame to me, who doesn't respect me.
In the end, you come begging me saying let's don't talk about this and just forget about it. How can you just let go of stuff like this, especially when I feel soo frustrated, comtemptuous, disappointed, sad and confused? You think that I'm not stressed out too?I just suck it up and don't care about it! The only thing I care about now is I don't want this to ever happen again and the only way to do it, is to confront you and ask why?
Asking me to just forget about this, you're just giving me a bad memory to remember.
Fine, you want to give me a nightmare to remember, I shall live with it.
Sometimes I don't understand you, and maybe that's why you don't too.
I can't believe that I scored highest for T8 in my group!!!!!!!! Woo-hoo!!!!!!!
I really think it was kinda shocking cause I went into the exam hall, I was totally blank during reading time and couldn't even think about the answers!!!!! It was soo panicky~!!
BUT,
It's not final exam also T.T Nothing to rejoice about..HAIH.......I must try harder for final!! MESTI!!! I don't wana see my performance chart go fluctuating and be inconsistent!!! But duno whether I got time to study for T8 le, I also scared of T7...Plus, now no classes, I will tend to be carefree and lazy. CANNOT CANNOT CANNOT!!!!!! MUST FIND TIME!!!!!!!!! >,<
Woke up at 9am, but was supposed to wake up at 8am. Oh well, I was kinda tired so was forced to bed for another hour. I thought it wouldn't hurt. Haha, turns out that I should have woke up at 8am.
I couldn't really believe that I have stood up for 6 hours straight with baking egg tarts and macaroons. And it hardly came to me that lunch time was far way than past. Anyway, I was ok later on in the evening. Yes, gobbling up all the pastries that I've made. Haha, seems like I had lunch and dinner in dinner.
Actually I was suppose to finish the macaroons in an hour that is from 10am to 11am. But I ended up finishing it at 12noon. So, I had to immediately start off with the next pastry since I'm already back of the schedule. I thought that everything went well with the macaroons until I started off with the puff pastry dough that I had to make for the base of the egg tarts. The dough was traumatic.
You know puff pastry has to use plenty of water and magarine right? As it said in the recipe, the ingredients A was just a normal dough that was made of 400g of flour, 220g of water, 50g of butter and a pinch of salt. This one was quite normal, as it looks, well, normal obviously. But when I reach to ingredients B which was the 300g of pastry margarine, that really gave me a heart attack. The recipe said use dough A and roll it out in a cross shape with the centre having the most volume of the dough. Then it said put the whole of ingredient B on top of the centre of the dough and wrap it. I followed*. Then, it said rolled it out like a rectangle. I did*, but when I did that, all the margarine came splatting out and I tried to put the margarine together with the dough. Cause I saw the book and the pictures doesn't look like what actually happened. So instead of rolling it out, I ended up kneading the dough. Blek. I kneaded it until a state that it was finally mixed well with the dough. Then, I only continued looking at the steps...TOTALLY WRONG, I KNOW!
Well, overall, Kark said it was edible and was by far the best pastries I made. Yea, I still remember kark saying that whatever I bake came out like chocolate chip cake instead of chocolate chip cookie. Worse remark ever. LOL.
Anyway, I enjoyed baking it despite of skipping lunch and standing up for 6 hours straight cause in the end I was able to share what I did. YAY ME!
The egg filling came out a bit too much so ma made her own kind of egg tarts, which was better than what I made.
First of all, this morning was terrible cause I woke up and had myself in the toilet making cake.Ohya, and I was accompanied by a 1 hour non-stopping of perpetual stomach aches besides having the feeling to vommit. And this was the work of guai4 ling3 gou4 that I've eaten yesterday. What makes today worse is that my monthly menses just came.
But on the bright side, classes and mocks are done!!!!! ( I think I did bad for mock!!!!!)
And I have six days off!! ( In real fact, for me, its just for 2 days, still booked with homework T.T)
Anyway, here's the plan for next week, baking, volleyball, outings, maybe badminton and a tinge of self-revision for my final exam.
Monday:
1. Buy ingredients for baking!!!!! I think I will settle this week of baking with portuguese egg tarts and some lemon-almond macaroons!
2. Suppose to go swimming but something just had to ruin it. :'( Ohh well, at least I still have a skipping rope!! Hahahaha..=)
3. Study T8 and do T7 revision kit!
Macaroons!!!!!
Tuesday:
1. If my I do not have an outing with my 5P3's then I would most probably make the lemon-almond macaroons and if I have extra time maybe the egg tarts too.
2. Volleyball in the evening!
3. Study T9 and T7 revision kit!!
Wednesday:
1. Go to chs and play volleyball in the morning and continue until the evening at sunway! (If my mom lets me...I hope she does... =/)
2. What do I usually do at night? Ohya, study.
Egg Tarts !! >.<
Thursday:
1. If I have went for the outing on Tuesday, then I would probably do pastries on this day.
2. Volleyball as usual, Saturday competition!!Last day of trainning, so I gotta give my all on this day!!!
3. T7 revision kit! Fyi, my first revision class would be T7, so you can see why I'm rushing the homework in the revision kit.
Friday:
1. If everything goes right as I predict it will, there will be an outing with apple on this day. Mostly, it's gonna be a karaoke session.
2. If possible, I think I can put in badminton here if I can find a court and some friends to join me...
3. Monotoneous T7.
Saturday:
1. Volleyball competition!!!!!! (And Hell, I still have no idea where the place will be and how we are gonna get there. LOL)
2. Still gotta study rite?
Sunday:
1. Competition will be still on till early afternoon, depends on Saturday whether all matches can be settle on that day.
2. Work my ass off and finish T7 Revision kit.
In conclusion, I can't wait for the competition to come and what would turn out for me this time in baking!!! I just love baking!!!!!!
Green Tea Tart
I was actually thinking of making green tea tarts..but due to the limited time I have, I think I will just settle for 2 pastries for this week. Eventhough green tea tart sounds delicious!!!!
Fyi, I've not tried macaroons before, so that's why I wanna make macaroons!! Kark says they are good. Plus, Kark say she will eat what I make this time. Lol, cause most of the things I make, no one eats, cause my family don't like western cuisines. And I happen to like making those stuff, one great example, my tofu and salmon quiche.
M : I ask you Friday got volleyball or not, I did not ask you 做什么 . Just answer yes or no! Don't need to say 做什么 !
Me: I said no already, then I ask why only, thought you got something on.
M : ......
For your information, MIA don't stand for Malaysian Institute of Accountant nor Auditor. It just simply means missing in action.
I've been crying very often really recently. And the last thing I would expect is me facing depression. I know I always say that my timetable schedule is packed. But now, I'm having a short holiday, trying to seriously relax myself. But I can't. I just feel soo depressed. From time to time, I always look out for these:
Common signs and symptoms of depression
Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.
Loss of interest in daily activities. No interest in former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex. You’ve lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure.
Appetite or weight changes. Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.
Sleep changes. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia).
Irritability or restlessness. Feeling agitated, restless, or on edge. Your tolerance level is low; everything and everyone gets on your nerves.
Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained. Your whole body may feel heavy, and even small tasks are exhausting or take longer to complete.
Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. You harshly criticize yourself for perceived faults and mistakes.
Concentration problems. Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.
Unexplained aches and pains. An increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, and stomach pain
My first ever thing I wana do on a holiday is to sleep enough. But I ended up like the tired one. And every time I wake up the next morning, M and K will have been to the market, went for a walk, went for a drive, finished breakfast, planting trees, sitting outside the marble table in the garden chit chatting or whatever, you name it lar. By the time I reach for my breakfast, everyone will be like thinking of lunch, you know what I mean? I won't be able to catch up what everyone is talking about. I just feel like someone who is reading a month ago's newspaper and talking with people in different channels.
You know, I don't really think M has been trusting me at all. She talks more with K, and me?I will have my books to accompany me. And I think K and M don't really know how much it hurts when they go for a walk without me.Like when was the last time I had a family walk?I really don't remember it. Today was another repetition.
(I just came down for dinner...)
Me: Everybody has eaten already right?Can I change the channel.
5 minutes later......
M :Kark, I wanna go for a walk.
K :Oh,ok, I just finished my dinner also.
Both of them went out. I ended up watching the tv and eating alone, no one just ask about me. I feel sooo invincible, so nothing to anyone. And you know what?I just soo envy K's life.Sheesh..why do I cry soo hard?I know everyone's different and I'm not like you, I don't have your time, nor your opportunity to go Japan for a year, nor your body size.Whatever I do or try it just ain't enough to be like you, is it?
A day before my T7 pt2, my mind was already devastated as early as 12am about my course, but it had to continue until afternoon, where my parents approach me about this at such a bad timing. I wonder who was it who told them?Yes, I'm irritated by the fact that I was emotionally unstable on the day before my exam, supposedly I was to study my T7 because I had not revised it yet!!!!!! That day just crushed my head. I cried more often since that day, I had headaches every time I woke up. I just can't stop thinking about it. I cry at least once a week since. And I would cry the whole day without stopping eventhough I'm in bed because my eyes still burnt.
I really try to stay confident, sometimes I try acting it eventhough I don't feel like it. But I don't know how long can I fake these confidence. I just wish that I could destroy everything I had so that I wouldn't bare the feeling of losing it.
Ohya, does it matter how I feel?I nearly forgotten I'm a nobody in the house.
Holidays. Yes, I sleep. Well enough to wake up at 11a.m. for the past 2 days.
Yes, I know, PIG.
But little that you know that it is actually a tired pig.
You know, sometimes I just don't get it! I sleep for more than 10 hours and I still wake up like a zombie, afraid of the morning light. I'm not even stressing out myself or studying for exams instead I'm just trying to relax. But what I get in return?LOL, zombie face. Seriously, I can wake up, grab my usual bowl of cereal, and throw myself back onto the bed before noon. Ohya and I can lie on the bed for the whole day.
And did I mention that my grandma seems to be on some research with birds? She's been trying to communicate with birds for the past few days. You should see how long she could whistle to those birdies out there in my garden, she can just keep on whistling and whistling as if she was just talking normally. Maybe this is what they call reaching out to new things.
Actually It's raining outside now, and I'm suppose to be swimming. Bummer! So just to kill my time, I decided to blog in the library at a corner.LOL. Feel so uncool. blek!
How to enjoy holidays? LOL, mai3 like that lorh!
Quote for the week: You never realized what you had until you really lose it.
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