♥ =) ♥

{ M.I.A. }

10:22 PM • Monday, September 13, 2010

M : So you tomorrow going for volleyball?

Me: Ya.

M : Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday also?

Me: Ya, in the evening only.

M : Friday?

Me: No but I got class on. 做什么?

M : I ask you Friday got volleyball or not, I did not ask you 做什么 . Just answer yes or no! Don't need to say 做什么 !

Me: I said no already, then I ask why only, thought you got something on.

M : ......

For your information, MIA don't stand for Malaysian Institute of Accountant nor Auditor. It just simply means missing in action.

I've been crying very often really recently. And the last thing I would expect is me facing depression. I know I always say that my timetable schedule is packed. But now, I'm having a short holiday, trying to seriously relax myself. But I can't. I just feel soo depressed. From time to time, I always look out for these:

Common signs and symptoms of depression

Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.
Loss of interest in daily activities. No interest in former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex. You’ve lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure.
Appetite or weight changes. Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.
Sleep changes. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia).
Irritability or restlessness. Feeling agitated, restless, or on edge. Your tolerance level is low; everything and everyone gets on your nerves.
Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained. Your whole body may feel heavy, and even small tasks are exhausting or take longer to complete.
Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. You harshly criticize yourself for perceived faults and mistakes.
Concentration problems. Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.
Unexplained aches and pains. An increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, and stomach pain

My first ever thing I wana do on a holiday is to sleep enough. But I ended up like the tired one. And every time I wake up the next morning, M and K will have been to the market, went for a walk, went for a drive, finished breakfast, planting trees, sitting outside the marble table in the garden chit chatting or whatever, you name it lar. By the time I reach for my breakfast, everyone will be like thinking of lunch, you know what I mean? I won't be able to catch up what everyone is talking about. I just feel like someone who is reading a month ago's newspaper and talking with people in different channels.

You know, I don't really think M has been trusting me at all. She talks more with K, and me?I will have my books to accompany me. And I think K and M don't really know how much it hurts when they go for a walk without me.Like when was the last time I had a family walk?I really don't remember it. Today was another repetition.

(I just came down for dinner...)

Me: Everybody has eaten already right?Can I change the channel.

5 minutes later......

M :Kark, I wanna go for a walk.

K :Oh,ok, I just finished my dinner also.

Both of them went out. I ended up watching the tv and eating alone, no one just ask about me. I feel sooo invincible, so nothing to anyone. And you know what?I just soo envy K's life.Sheesh..why do I cry soo hard?I know everyone's different and I'm not like you, I don't have your time, nor your opportunity to go Japan for a year, nor your body size.Whatever I do or try it just ain't enough to be like you, is it?

A day before my T7 pt2, my mind was already devastated as early as 12am about my course, but it had to continue until afternoon, where my parents approach me about this at such a bad timing. I wonder who was it who told them?Yes, I'm irritated by the fact that I was emotionally unstable on the day before my exam, supposedly I was to study my T7 because I had not revised it yet!!!!!! That day just crushed my head. I cried more often since that day, I had headaches every time I woke up. I just can't stop thinking about it. I cry at least once a week since. And I would cry the whole day without stopping eventhough I'm in bed because my eyes still burnt.

I really try to stay confident, sometimes I try acting it eventhough I don't feel like it. But I don't know how long can I fake these confidence. I just wish that I could destroy everything I had so that I wouldn't bare the feeling of losing it.

Ohya, does it matter how I feel?I nearly forgotten I'm a nobody in the house.

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